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We all need a little humor in our lives.  So I provide the following items that have been given to me or I found:

What they learn at the Klingon Programmer Academy 
Conversion Table
Marketing Terms
Funny things heard in court!
The Irish Vs Saddam
Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
A Pirate's Tale

Reindeer & Santa

What they learn at the Klingon Programmer Academy 

1.   Specifications are for the weak and timid !
2.   This machine is a piece of GAAAGH ! I need quad Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code !
3.   You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
4.   Indentation ?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
5.   What is this talk of ‘release’ ? Klingons do not make software ‘releases’.  Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
6.   Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ - they have‘arguments’     ·         and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
7.   Debugging ? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
8.   I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
9.   A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code !
10.  By filing this bug report you have challenged the honour of my family.   Prepare to die !
11.  You question the worthiness of my code ? I should kill you where you stand !
12.  Support ? If you say to us you need support we will crush you and march over your grieving family !
13.  Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it ! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are !

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Conversion Table:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter..............Eskimo pi
2000 lb of Chinese soup.......................................................Won ton
1x10 -6 mouthwash...............................................................1 microScope
Time between slipping on a peel and
         smacking the pavement..............................................1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God...............................1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mi/h..............1 knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer
           because it's less filling..............................................1 lite year
16.5 ft in the Twilight Zone..................................................1 rod Serling
Half of a large intestine........................................................1 semicolon
1000 aches...........................................................................1 kHz
Basic unit of laryngitis..........................................................1 hp
Shortest distance between two jokes................................1 straight line
453.6 g (graham) crackers.................................................1 lb cake
1 x 106 microphones...........................................................1 phone
1 x 106 phones.....................................................................1 meagphone
1 x 106 bicycles....................................................................1 megacycles
365.25 days..........................................................................1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds...............................................................2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards.................................................................................1 decadards
1 kg of falling figs..................................................................1 fig Newton
1 x 10-6 fish............................................................................1 microfiche
1 x 1012 pins..........................................................................1   terrapin
10 rations...............................................................................1 C-ration
2 monograms........................................................................1 diagram
2.4 statue mi of intravenous surgical tubing
          at Yale University Hospital.........................................1 IV league
5 dialogs................................................................................1 decalogue
100 politicians......................................................................< 1 decision
Enough beauty to launch one ship. ...................................1  millihelen
10-12 Boulevards..................................................................1 pico-boulevard
10 millipedes  ......................................................................1 centipede
1 centipede/second  ...........................................................1 velodipede
3 1/2 tridents  .......................................................................1 decadent
10 monologues  ...................................................................5 dialogues
10-5 dollars  .........................................................................1 Millicent

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Marketing Terms

New  .............................different color from previous design
All New  ........................parts not interchangeable with previous design
Exclusive  .....................imported product
Unmatched  ..................almost as good as the competition
Design Simplicity  .......costs cut to the bone (manufacturer's)
Foolproof Operation  ...no provision for adjustment
Advanced Design  .......copy writer doesn't understand it
It's Here At Last  ...........rush job; nobody knew it was coming
Field Tested  ................manufacturer lacks test equipment
High Accuracy  .............unit on which all parts fit
Direct Sales Only  ........manufacturer had argument with distributor
Rugged  ........................too heavy to lift
Lightweight  ...................lighter than rugged
Years Of Development  ..............finally got one that worked
Unprecedented Performance  ...nothing we had before ever worked this way
Revolutionary  ..............it's different from our competitors
Breakthrough  ...............we finally figured out a way to sell it
Futuristic  ......................can't figure out another reason why it looks as it does
Energy Saving  .............achieved when the power switch is "off"
Distinctive  ....................a different color or shape than our competitors
No Maintenance  ..........impossible to fix
Redesigned  .................previous faults are corrected, we hope
Hand Crafted  ...............machine that assembles it is operated without gloves

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Funny things heard in court!

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. 
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
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Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see any fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
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Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not a damn thing.
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Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(after being sentenced to 90 days in jail)
Defendant: Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
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The Irish Vs Saddam
  Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when
 his telephone rang.  
 "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said.
 "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing
 to inform  you  that  we are officially declaring war on you!"
   "Well,  Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How  big  is  your
 army?"   
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"   
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my
 command."  
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"   
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is  still
 on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"  
 "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.   
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm  tractor."  
 Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks  and14,000 armored personnel
 carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2  million  since we last spoke."  
 "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
 Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.   "Mr. Hussein, the war is
 still on! We have managed to get  ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's
 ultra-light with a  couple  of  shotguns   in the cockpit, and four boys
 from the Shamrock Pub have joined us  as well!"   
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must  tell you, Paddy, that I have
 10,000  bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.   My   military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile  sites.   And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"  
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."   Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.  "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we   have had to call off the war."
 "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
  "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of  pints,  and  decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
                                God Bless the Irish!
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Dilbert Quotes-any of these sound familiar?

  “What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

 “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” “No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

“My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)

 Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” 
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

 One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

 As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

 This is the winning quote:
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

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 Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
 **************************************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
 
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool.”

  Comprehending Engineers - Take One
 
**************************************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
 
“The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

 Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
 
**************************************************
 
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
 
***************************************************
 
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”
 
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
 
“The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause]
“Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
 
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment.
 
The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
 
**************************************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is”.
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
 
Knowing where to put it $49,999
 He
was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

 Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
 
*************************************************
 
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
 
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

 Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
 
**************************************************
 
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
 
*************************************************
 
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
*************************************************
 
“Normal people ... believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”
 
--- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

 Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine
 
**************************************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
 
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, “I like both.”
 
“Both?”
 
Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you
can go to the lab and get some work done.”

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A Pirate’s Tale 
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=>

A man meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you get the peg-leg?”  the man asks.
“We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. A shark bit my leg off,” replies the pirate.
“Wow! What about your hook?” the man asks.
“We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of them cut off my hand,” replies the pirate.
“Incredible! What happened to your eye?” asks the man.
“A seagull dropping fell into it,” replies the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull’s dropping?” the man asks, incredulously.
The pirate shrugged. “Yeah, it was my first day with the hook.”

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Reindeer & Santa
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get
lost!

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